Thoughts: About Validation, Attitude, Reasons, Matters

Sok iye banget pakai Bahasa Inggris wkwkwk.

But anyway.

Beberapa hari ini banyak pikiran lewat di kepala gue. Salah satunya karena adanya perbincangan antara gue dengan salah satu teman. Semua berawal semenjak gue membentak sahabatnya.

Yesterday (or a couple days back) she decided to tell me her grudge. She doesn't like my attitude towards her and her friend.

Awalnya gue merasa bahwa I shouldn't be apologizing with what I did, but I should be apoligizing for what it caused to her, and I did.

She did ask me why I done such a thing. Awalnya juga gue gak mau menjawab karena gue percaya alasan bukan sebuah justifikasi. But since she asked me to, ya gue jawab.

Alasannya sederhana.

Gue merasa tidak dihargai sebagai seorang stranger. I just want to say hi, to have a mini talk with her bestie, to probably introduce myself, but damn what she did is different.

Then afterwards, I accuse the bestie of being this type of "that girl", yang anti-mainstream, radical thinking etc. Which is sounds bad when I read again about it. But I did that out of my feelings. I raged out.

And she, my friend, doesn't like it.

Also one of them is when I ask her to write lyrics, and then she did write things with effort, I don't even take a single serious look to it. And for that, I'm sorry.

Two days have passed and I couldn't feel more sorry to her since I didn't apologize to her properly, and I finally did. I feel so sad I cried a bit, since it's so hard to lose a friend again, especially the one who has been my sanity support for the past months.

Did I tell you that I've been insomnia for the past week, i don't know why?

But yeah, after all, I did apologize to her and made her a song project based on her lyrics. I know it wouldn't make up things but I guess it would be my last gift to her, just in case we separate our ways.

Then I remembered something.

I've been having a bad attitude for a long time I don't know why and how to fix those. Setiap kali gue lupa diri (entah terlalu senang, terlalu sayang, etc), those bad attitude will come haunt me again. Some TikToks (yeah we get diagnosed by TikTok's AI) said we were having an unfinished trauma.

What are my bad attitudes? Being ignorant, living an unhealthy livestyle, being easily emotional, gets egoistic, and many more. I even haven't had an active chat with my girlfriend through the semester, which is kinda crazy.

Then, I remembered that I also had this kind of fight with my gf, where she said that she confused why I haven't told her any more stories, and she compares that in her family, their parents would share stories together. That's what they would do, but us, we haven't had spoken for months.

I sometimes tried to, but when I don't see her in front of my eyes, I forgot about her. I'm more into doing what I can do at home, what I could watch, play, hangout, rather than having a chat with her.

If you guys wanna know reasons, I give you one. She's not that good looking to the Phone, especially on LINE. Her phone would messed up the notification and she wouldn't look into her phone for hours.

I know that the reasons doesn't matter, so in the discussion back then, I didn't bring the reason. I just said that my visions are already different from months ago.

and yeah, again. Reasons doesn't justify my actions.

But now, here's the thing. Here's the main thought.

If,

If,

If what happened to me are actions, reasons why I did such a thing, feel such a thing, have such a thought and such a point of view, by telling me that my reasons doesn't justify anything, by saying that "your feeling isn't anyone's problem," does that mean I don't get to validate my feelings?

One of my bad attitude towards my gf is that I don't validate her feelings much, I'm more a problem solver bf- since I once thought, that she got problems, and I'm here to help her fix things. But all she needs is affirmation, validation of thoughts. Something I lack of giving her.

I mean, I thought reasons means everything. Understanding reasons is one. But if what I did, what I feel, didn't matter, then what?

People's feeling wants to get validated. We don't judge people. I have carefully not hurting other people's feeling by not judging, validating their feelings and understanding their reasons of doing something. I'm probably not good at it but I tried. After all those things, my reasons don't matter?

 

I'm always gonna be in the wrongs?

Friends that bullied me on elementary school, parents that being toxic at home, a large family that doesn't even understand each other, life breakthrough, all that won't matter?

 

Do I really matter in this world, at the end of the day?

And some people gonna be like: Ih, Dhito sok melankolis.

"Ngepos Instagram jangan yang sedih sedih To."

"Melankolis banget sih jadi orang"

That all doesn't matter?

If all I did was seeking help, and by seeking help I be toxic to people (since when I wasn't anyway?), to whom I should seek help?

To God?

Something that we don't know exactly of his existence?

Should I be miraculously fix myself?

Should I validate my own feelings? Be my own friend? Be by myself?

And people gonna be like: Ih, Dhito sok melankolis.

"Ngepos Instagram jangan yang sedih sedih To."

"Melankolis banget sih jadi orang"

 

Or should I just be accepting myself that I am indeed gonna be forever a bad attitude guy who wouldn't have future in life, just to make your lives happy?

If my non-existence bring happiness to people, help others' suffer less, not making anymore burden to anyone, I would exactly do that.

Then, why else I'm in this world, just to be not matter?